I Am That Girl Now

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Is today the revolution? Should I put on my shoes?

One of the many reasons that I love my sister is that she has the magical ability to knock me out of a cold rage by saying something pertinent but hilariously funny at just the right moment. At one point a few years back, I was having a weekend full of pure fury and informed my sister that I was having class rage. She perked up and asked, "Is today the revolution? Should I put on my shoes?" Shoes, apparently, being necessary for all the marching that a good revolution would entail.

I always think of that when I'm having days like this.

I love my friends. I do. It's just that there are days that I'm so envious of their lives that I have to bite my tongue to keep from getting snappy with them. Okay, it's not their lives, it's their financial situations. I try to remember that I've got it good in so many ways, that I've got the best husband ever and two very sweet cats and a great family, both on my side and on my Hub's side, and that we're safe and warm and fed and healthy. We found each other young enough to have a few years of us-time and still get around to having kids before we get too old. We get along and we work really well together as a team. There's nothing that I really and truly need that I don't have. I gotta remember that.

It just wears on me. I forget, you know, that I'm living in a whole different earnings bracket than most of my friends. I forget, and then something happens to remind me, and the jarring difference between what I worry about and what they don't have to worry about... well, it really wears on me. Bills, student loans, retirement funds, insurance, and trying to figure out how to save for a house of some sort and trying to find a point where we'll be able to afford to have kids without completely screwing everything up. I can deal with those worries. I just don't know how to deal with the fact that other people, people I know and love, are comparatively living in the lap of luxury. The envy just kind of grinds me down into an angry little nubbin, and I hate feeling like that.

I get the same damn thing when it comes to naturally thin women. I know that it doesn't help me at all to get angry, but sometimes I just can't help it. I hate that I have to put so much thought and work into something that comes so naturally to other people.

Envy is just no good. I have to deal with this, because I sense that somehow the key to loving myself for what I am and forgiving myself for my faults has something to do with forgiving other people for having different lives, having more money, having different bodies. If I can relax and let go of the resentment that other people have better luck in some things, then I'll be okay with what I have. I think.

Gotta keep my shoes off. No marching today.

5 Comments:

  • hi there:
    I've been reading your blog for a little while now, and I enjoy it a lot! I just thought I'd comment today because everything you wrote resonated so much with me! Lately, I've been feeling quite down about weight loss and money situation - and it was good to know that i'm not the only person who loves their friends but who can feel envious sometimes! I'm hoping that someday I'll be comfortable in my own skin !

    By Blogger Strawberries, at 12:21 AM  

  • you aren't the only one, i am constantly worrying about money. Now that I am attempting to lose weight, I find it hard because everything that you need seems to cost so much.

    By Blogger Kiki, at 8:41 AM  

  • Also constantly worried about money, debt, etc. Feel like I'll never get out of this black hole of debt, even though I know that i will, eventually. Frustrating.

    I've had your blog on my "favorites" for a while now but haven' thad time to sit down and dig in (I like to go back and read from the beginning when I start reading a new blog). But today's post was so entertaining that I think tonight might be the night!

    ~jess

    By Blogger JessiferSeabs, at 1:39 PM  

  • I've been where you are and remember well how it felt. I guess my only contribution to the discussion would be that I'm proof you can get from there to a place where, if not rich, at least you're comfortable. Comfortable is good.

    By Blogger Denise, at 9:04 PM  

  • Isn't it weird how envy is totally not a socially acceptable thing to feel or talk about? One thing I think is that we Americans live in this conflicted mental space, where all our ideology talks about equality but in reality we are very much status-oriented and separated by class lines. And the way people in a consumer-oriented society create identities is through the products they buy. It's hard not to get pulled into the powerful marketing machine we have and start associating your self-worth with your purchasing power.

    By Blogger Megan, at 7:36 PM  

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