Well, that would explain it
There seems to be an either itchy/distracted or a slow-motion thing that's paired with a lack of drive and oomph and energy. Trouble concentrating, but not from excess energy-- like a lack of it. I've got that; hell, I've had that for... seriously, I can't remember not having that. I get spells when I'm not like that, but it's the exception rather than the rule. "Little pleasure or interest in doing things" has described me for more than a year. More than two, really.
Oh, and there's something on the checklist about feeling like a failure or have let people down-- yeah, I get that constantly. And the appetite problems are pretty typical. And the sleeping problems.
It happens for months at a time and then I get these days or weeks that are just-- you know, different, better, where I've got all this vigor and energy and oomph and concentration and drive and I absolutely clobber the world, and I start to catch up and get ahead and then... it just goes away.
I'm starting to think that this feeling I've had for years now, that I'm having to work like crazy just to get myself to halfway normal, might not just be my imagination. And I mean years, I mean since I was in college. Considering that I'm about to turn 30, that's not good.
It's entirely possible that the shit that hit me back in college never lifted all the time. Like it knocked me down to 40% of normal, and with work and determination I got the general level back up to something like 60%, with occasional jumps up into the 80s and 90s... but most of the time I'm still down at 60%. And then something big will come along in the middle of one of my slumpier periods, like Katrina (gads, I'm pitiful, I wasn't even there or really affected, it just seriously threw me), and I'll get slammed back down to 40%, barely functioning, stressed to the gills, and hopeless and miserable on top of it.
It's just starting to occur to me that maybe functioning at 80% shouldn't be so fucking hard. That I don't actually suck-- that I'm not actually the lazy fucker I feel doomed to be because I just can't manage to get it together for very long. That anything I've managed to accomplish in spite of being perpetually distracted and tired and weird is a testament to the amount of sheer willpower I have at my disposal, that I've got a hell of a lot of brute determination.
I think. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself again, and I'm really just as useless as I feel, and I'm doomed to never finish any of the things I think of. It just doesn't feel like that. It feels like I'm not operating at my potential. It feels like all the weird things I've been documenting and complaining about over the course of the past few years might have a common cause.
God, I hope so. I don't know how to take this if it's not. It would be like I was trying to run a huge computer with a tiny processor; so much possible, not enough to make it go. Perpetual frustration. I don't want to have "not living up to her potential" on my report card for my whole life.