I Am That Girl Now

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Well, it's up.

The first post is finally up on It's All About The Ass. Sorry that took so long.

For the record: nobody offended me. You're fine. I just got really worried about what this could turn into, and the fact that days and days kept going by with the debate still raging in the comments was something that took me completely off-guard. My ranting about the way political debate happens in this country was more a reaction to outside forces than to anything that was posted here. I shut everything down on those posts because I hadn't expected there to be such a big response, and I was unprepared for it; I've seen downward spirals occur elsewhere and I'd rather set up a whole new blog to discuss these matters-- with ground rules set from the get-go-- rather than run the risk of de-railing the original purpose of this blog. If I'd had my brain on straight, I would have done this before posting about Katrina; as it is, you all have my sincere apology for my clumsy handling of the whole thing.

I didn't want to have a political blog, but I'm going to try. If I start talking about professional wrestling or go completely fangirl over Veronica Mars this fall, please, somebody remind me to stop hijacking my own damn blog and stick to the subject.

SPEAKING OF WHICH...

I seem to have more people popping up from all over. As a way of re-dedicating this blog to the weight-loss/maintenance thing, let's have an introduction party in the comments: everybody say HI and where you're from. I don't need to know specifics, but I love seeing the wide range of folks out there, so wave, y'all!

Hrm, let's see. I keep doing yoga, so there's that; I feel like I'm covering the trifecta of cardio, strength, and flexibility. YAY.

Granted, I'm so inflexible these days that I keep cramping up during yoga, and my knee is bothering me again during lower-body strength training (lunges, grr). I have faith that these things will work themselves out; I'm nothing if not a hopeless optimist. A practical optimist, though; I'm not going to flail blindly around assuming that they'll work out without me doing anything about them. I've been wrapping my knee for lunges, and I'm making notes on other exercises to switch to; I'm also making sure to stretch out the contracted muscles from some of those yoga poses. As per usual, this may not work, but what the hell, I'm giving it a shot, and if it doesn't work, I'll try something else.

My Hub remains the independent Meg Mood Barometer. When I announced that I was going to make a habit of doing 20 minutes of yoga every day upon getting home from work, he was deeply relieved. "Good," he said, "because you get in a much better headspace when you do yoga regularly." I opened my mouth to get defensive about it, then closed my mouth again because, yeah, he's right. It's entirely too easy for me to disassociate myself from my body, and yoga is one of the few things that forces me to be a whole mind-and-body pair, not just a brain rattling around in a container.

It's occurred to me that my brain disassociated from my body a long, long time ago, and that may be the root of all this-- well, at least part of it. I learned to read when I was very, very tiny, so literally I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't spending much of my spare time either a) curled up with a book or b) making up my own stories, which at first were acted out with great vim and vigor with my sister and other playmates, either with ourselves as the actors or with our Barbie dolls as stand-ins. I liked stories. Everything else was kind of... faded. Unimportant. It took serious jolts to get me out of that mode (and still does, sadly) and get me to pay attention to the outside world.

I was a space cadet in high school, only halfway interacting with the rest of the world and otherwise writing my own highly dramatic version of events inside my head, which bore little resemblance to what was going on. When startled out of my dreamworld by things that didn't go as I'd thought they would, I'd react with fear and nausea and general freak-out. When I got to college, I think I was still reacting to things like that; it's just that the concerns of the real world became much more pressing and so it was very hard to retreat to my wooly mental cocoon. That's when the binging started, and in retrospect I think that's part of the reason why. I wanted my wooly mental cocoon back, and food overdosing was the fastest way to get there.

I didn't drink too much (okay, occasionally; it WAS college), start smoking, or start doing drugs, but to be perfectly honest that's because I realized very early on that I was better off not knowing how those things would affect me. I was reasonably sure that they'd be even more effective at taking me away from my own head and relieving my anxiety, but I was aware of the health and life dangers of those things, and aware of my own tendencies toward addict behaviors, so... no. Food, though...

I don't like being in my own head when it becomes an uncomfortable place. I have all sorts of free-floating anxiety (my Hub describes me, generously, as "tightly wound") that can just utterly paralyze me into a complete lack of movement. I do well (remarkably well, sometimes) as long as I'm working in my own happy little headspace, but if anything jolts me out of that-- BOOM. I'm pretty certain that I'd benefit greatly from Cognative-Behavioral Therapy, but (oh, yay) our medical plan doesn't cover any head-health problems and so I'd either have to pay out of pocket, which isn't an option for us at the moment, or... well, go without and see what I can do on my own.

I'm not well. I don't like this. Consider this a placeholder for a very long rant about what is and is not covered under our medical plan; I checked out of curiosity to see what they cover re: weight problems and lo, pretty much nothing. If you weigh twice the "average weight" for your height, they'll put you through one course of treatment (what that treatment is, nobody says; this worries me) and then you're on your own, bucko. Anyone weighing less than that can go to hell. The NUMBER ONE THING that most people can do to change their health for the better, and insurance does NOTHING. I'm going to fume now. An ounce of prevention... yeah, well. Grr.

The point, back when I was babbling before, is that yoga helps. A bit. And what the hell, every little bit counts.

28 Comments:

  • Well my name is Kelly, and I will be 25 on the 15 of Sep. I was born in Portland OR, and lived most of my life in Vancouver WA. I currently live in Cheney WA. I attend Eastern Washington University and I am a Biology major.

    By Anonymous Kelly, at 11:36 AM  

  • I'm Neca over at www.weightywords.blogspot.com and I live in NC

    By Blogger neca, at 12:22 PM  

  • I'm Elizabeth at www.princessnebraska.blogspot.com and I live in Nebraska!

    By Blogger PN, at 12:51 PM  

  • Hi, my name is Sue and I am a sahm with two kiddies living in so cal. I am a lifetime bfl'er.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:33 PM  

  • Hi I'm Jane and I live on England's east coast. Yours was one of the blogs that tempted me to start one of my own (though it's a pale, poor, pathetic specimen in comparison to yours - but hey, a gal's got to start somewhere!) - so thanks for the continuing inspiration.

    I've been looking forward to the political debate continuing in your new blog, too - I counted myself lucky to have ONE blog of yours to read, but two is even better!

    By Anonymous Fatslayer, at 1:37 PM  

  • I'm Renee from www.portuguesewashwoman.blogspot.com and I'm from the South/Midwest (depending on who you ask *g*)

    By Blogger Portuguese Washwoman, at 1:48 PM  

  • I'm Debra from Naples, Florida (transplanted from downtown Chicago where I lived for over 20 years)and I write about unconscious fantasies and conscious decision making at www.weighingonyourmind.blogspot.com.

    By Blogger The Troescher Team, at 2:55 PM  

  • Hi Elaine the librarian here, from upstate NY... also a yoga fan. For me weight loss has been about fixing my head more than dieting.

    By Blogger LibrarianOnTheLoose, at 3:05 PM  

  • sherpamelissa from the far south chicago suburbs, so we're neighbors, kind of. *waves* sometimes you sound so much like me it scares me that I have another personality that is a great writer and started a blog. Except, even my alternate personality would never live downtown. I am a suburban girl, for sure. I've lost over 80lbs calorie counting and exercising. I also have binging issues. I love your blog, you are a fabulous writer.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:15 PM  

  • I'm Mich, a Canadian studying in Jerusalem, Israel.

    By Blogger Mich, at 3:55 PM  

  • Oo, oo, oo, neca, I live in Raleigh, NC also and my name is Nneka.

    I'm originally from Trinidad.

    Meg, you correctly described me except I retreated to food at 14.

    By Blogger Nikki, at 4:32 PM  

  • Hi I am Julia from St. Louis, Missouri.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:05 PM  

  • LBTEPA
    Melbourne, Australia
    Very high-quality online CBT - http://moodgym dot anu dot edu.au
    developed by Australian National Uni - why not give it a bash

    cheerio

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:32 PM  

  • [waves] Hi, I'm JB, raised and educated in Virginia and currently living in downstate Illinois. I'm a French professor, a cat owner, a budding runner, and about halfway through a 90-pound weight loss journey.

    Oh, and yes, thank you, I feel a little better from last week's set of tirades. :)

    By Anonymous JB, at 7:56 PM  

  • Hiya, I'm Kathryn and I'm from Melbourne, Australia in RL and from iDiet.blogspot.com online.

    By Blogger kathrynoh, at 10:40 PM  

  • ::waving::
    I'm Meeshla from Central Texas.

    By Blogger Michelle, at 11:26 PM  

  • good luck with the political blog! that's very brave of you.. at least I would be intimidated to write one.

    I'm Janet from Oregon. Just recently started a health/fitness blog as motivation and therapy.

    By Blogger thealphafry, at 12:15 AM  

  • Hey there, Evelyne from Buffalo. BFL'r and fellow blogger. Love reading your blog.

    By Blogger Evelyne, at 12:33 AM  

  • *waves* Hi you'll, I'm Janine from the Netherlands. No weight loss issues here (except for the 5 pounds everybody always wants to lose), but i read you blog because, personality issues, yeah, i defenitely have them too!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:39 AM  

  • Hello. Nicky here from HErtfordshire in the UK. Just recently achieved more (less?) than I believed possible on the weight-loss front, looking to maintain now and doing my first triathlon this weekend - aaargh!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:29 AM  

  • Hey I'm Jenn... from Newfoundland , Canada. Trying to maintain my 90 odd pound weight loss 7 years later...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:04 AM  

  • Hi, I'm Beth from Atlanta, I enjoy your blog. Got hooked into Fitness through BFL a few years ago, Currently following Leanness Lifestyle.

    By Anonymous Beth, at 6:48 AM  

  • I'm Scout... SothicScout on BFL Women's, where I read a comment by Renee (Skwigg) about your fabuloud blog, came over and read it, and have been hooked ever since. I'm in weight loss mode at the moment, after 8 years of being mis-diagnosed as having Rheumatoid Arthritis (complete with lovely prescriptions of various toxic anti-inflammatorie!) when, in fact, I actually had an ongoing thyroid problem. Now that I'm finally being treated for the right disease (!!!) I can actually see results when I diet & exercise. I'm a trifecta gal as well - weights, cardio, and yoga. I'm in Ontario, btw.

    By Anonymous sothicscout, at 7:53 AM  

  • ::Waves:: Heyla! Shawna, here, originally from the East Coast of the US, now living in Portland OR, with my husband an ex-pat from the UK. Two years of BFL and other types of striving for a better body, still a work in progress. :-)

    By Anonymous Shawna, at 3:41 PM  

  • Paige, 24, lived along the Texas Gulf Coast my entire life. Always been a big girl. May of 2004 started a modified South Beach after realizing I was 70 lbs overweight. Currently have 25-ish more to go to reach my target. I am the "mom" to 2 miniature schnauzers-Porter & Paxil.

    And I found you via Renee's site.

    By Blogger Paige, at 3:56 PM  

  • Hi Everyone! I'm DeDe from Portland Oregon. I've lost about 75 lbs on BFL so far, with about 20 left to go (before Christmas!).

    I'm happily surprised at how many Meg fans there are from Portland. We need to get together and start a local chapter of the Meg Fan Club. We could have Favorite Post readings and Guess What She'll Do Next contests. :-)

    By Anonymous DeDe, at 12:40 PM  

  • Hey, whoa, I got here a little late but am glad that I made it. I'm Liz; I make my home in PA.

    By Blogger chaos, at 9:50 PM  

  • Meg,

    I'm Saffy, in Toronto, Ontario (Canada). Your Blog rocks. I found it while looking for 'committment inspiration' online. I was 338# and am now 281#. Feels like such a long journey which of courseis why i'm always looking for folks who seem to have found what works. Thanks and keep writing!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:34 AM  

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