SO much better

Okay, as of today I've been on Zoloft for three weeks. This morning, for the first time in I don't know how long, I rolled out of bed, pulled on my exercise togs, put up my hair and went directly to exercise, without dragging around for ten or twenty minutes first, and without that heavy-head, despairing exhausted feeling. Didn't particularly feel like putting it off. I was even sort of looking forward to it.

Oh, man. This is fantastic. THANK YOU, MEDICATION. I haven't binged in weeks. I've been making some questionable food choices, but over the past week or so I've started easing back into moderation where portions and food selection are concerned. I weighed myself Sunday (the first time in weeks and weeks), accepted the number, didn't panic, didn't beat myself up over it, just incorporated it into my knowledge of where I am right now.

I've started over where exercise is concerned; gentle jogging with the TV playing Firefly DVDs (due to my Hub being sick, we haven't made it to Serenity yet, damn the luck) for three miles, and on alternate days I do the 50-minute yoga DVD that, before this week, I hadn't looked at in months. I have a vague plan to re-incorporate weight lifting next week, alternating weight-lifting weeks with yoga weeks. I'm not going to stress over this. It will be okay.

Slow and steady.

I've got my third appointment with the therapist today, and am looking forward to it. Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that if I don't want this to be a massive waste of money, I'm going to have to avoid bullshitting and try to get everything I can out of this resource. I'm working on it. I've identified two big issues that have been lifelong problems for me, 'cause dude, if I am going to be paying for this therapy thing I am damn well going to get my money's worth, and my money's worth would be being able to motivate without terror of authority (inner sensation of same counts just as well) and to be able to deal with other people's negative emotions or opinions without feeling as though I have to either fix it, flee, or fight. I want those things fixed. I'm pretty sure that if I get those figured out, I'll be able to deal with other life changes much better. And if, along the way, this leads me to be able to deal with my Hub better, and calm my terror over the idea of children, so much the better.

Right now I'm just enjoying the fact that my brain feels clear. I'm not getting that overwhelmed feeling of dread whenever something pops up in my e-mail at work or when the phone rings. I can clean the kitchen without having to push myself so hard to get started that the whole thing is torture. I'm starting to enjoy things again; I'm starting to feel a little creative, feel like making things and writing and playing. Life has just been this endless series of chores and drudgery for so long, even the stuff I knew I was supposed to be enjoying, and now I'm starting to get the swing of why again, remembering that I do this stuff 'cause I enjoy it.

Wow. How the hell did I make it through this year?

I'm not counting chickens yet; I've had a few weeks of clarity happen every few months and really the test of all of this is going to be if I can stay normal instead of lapsing back into that lousy state again. Knock on wood.

I'm a bit dismayed at what I've lost, fitness-wise, over the past month or two, when I was running on fumes and just could not push myself anymore. I managed to keep exercising every morning, but just barely; I had to resort to my 20-minute yoga DVD (which is barely anything, by my normal standards) several days a week and oh, how my endurance and speed has faltered on the treadmill. Gah. Again, I'm not kicking myself over it, and not mourning too hard; "dismayed" is about as harsh as it gets, 'cause now it's time to work back up to where I was. So far, so good.

And I'm not binging. I don't even feel like it, and I barely ever think of it anymore. I'm not obsessing over food in any way, shape or form. God, I hope this lasts, because the past few months have been really scary. There's nothing quite so freakish as having O/C behavior start to take over your life. ::shudder::

Anyway, that's the current situation. I'm going to try to update more than once a week, but I'm not pushing myself; like everything else, I'm just going by feel.