I Am That Girl Now

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I am... hrm.

I'm okay. Balancing. It's very strange. I don't have much of an appetite these days, and some days Zoloft still gives me indigestion. The cycle of weirdness settled down, though, so that's good. Very good.

I'm having to come to grips with the idea that much of the way I operated before was due to a certain amount of obsessive-compulsive tendencies-- the binging, but also the things I did to make up for it, the ways I taught myself to get myself up and moving and working. And the thing is, I'm having to teach myself how to do everything all over again, because I've relied on that part of myself far too much.

There's also this thing where I internalized my father's voice to kick myself into action, and it's only now occurring to me that action vs. inaction should not have a decision process that I'm so scared of, where I drive myself or avoid the thing completely so that I don't have to go through the fear of failure. I have this feeling that I could be great if I wasn't terrified of being mediocre, if that makes any sense.

I got a sense, for the first time today, of what had gone missing in me, something I haven't seen for a year or more. The crazy part, the girl that went out and whirled around and had exhilarating times. I love to go out after dark, to stay up late in order to make a crazy 1 AM ride to the all-night video rental place, to spend irresponsibly, to eat thoughtlessly, to drink margaritas and dance like a crazy thing. And I... when did I lose that? Somewhere between how frightened my Hub is for me when I go out and how hard it is to haul him outside himself I've become housebound, tense, responsible to a fault, and the innocent crazy girl got used as a whipping post until she went into hiding.

It's that I got married. It's that I'm turning 30 next month. It's that we have finances and plans and that it all turns around the idea that we should have a house and kids at some point, and maybe I'm panicking still. I waited so long to be young and free and crazy and then I fell in love with a guy who is goofy and darling but in some ways oh, so much more cautious than I am. I don't know how to be all of myself with him, and I can't lose him, I don't know what I'd do. I want to bring him with me, but I hate that he'd think it's his fault and that he's wrong and bad. I want to fix him and I want to fix me, and I don't know how.

I'm so scared. I want to be married, I want to stay with my darling boy forever, but I hate being old married. I want us to sparkle.

I feel old and sad and lost, and I'm 29 years old. I feel like there's a time bomb waiting to go off, I feel pressured to get everything under control before we have kids except that kids have to happen before I'm too old, and that doesn't seem like enough time, and the harder I try to get it all under control the less I enjoy life. I hate this.

On the up side, I guess this is progress. I didn't know what was wrong with me before, and now I have an idea. Progress.

7 Comments:

  • Ya know, it's funny... I feel a similar sense of pressure with the whole having kids thing. I'll be 30 in February, and here I am, with PCOS and over 390 pounds and damn it, I'm running out of time.

    I know we're sort of on different ends of the having kids spectrum, because you're still not quite sure, but I've never been more sure of anything. I must be a mother. Ah. But therein lies the rub, and what if... what if I lost every single extra pound and it still didn't happen? What if my husband turned out to be sterile? What if...

    On and on it goes, and the terror, the sense of time closing in on me overwhelms me to the point of inaction. So, though we have different perspectives about some of the stuff (as I've said before, I'm a lot like your husband, from what you've described), I understand that sense of... well, almost of doom. 30! My god. And yet, I want to be 30, so go figure. 30 is the start of a new decade. The beginning of something different, something exciting...

    Anyway, Meg... you're doing great. It may not feel that way, but it sounds that way from here. You're looking at it all and trying to figure out how the pieces fit together. I have no doubt that you'll get it all worked out, and that it's going to be wonderful.

    (hugs)

    By Anonymous Mae, at 2:55 PM  

  • Hi Meg
    I'm glad to see that you are back online after a week of silence and now I understand the silence. You have been busy identifying some really big issues and well done for making such progress in such a short time. Yes, the process of dealing with the issues will take longer and it does take effort and a lot of insight plus the will to actually do the work. I fully believe that you will be successful and will come out the other side a stronger, more whole human being. You have already proved what a strong woman you are and you can do it despite your fears. Just make sure you keep talking to Hub and tell him how you feel and what your fears are - your love for each other will grow as you do. Remember one step at a time is how you lost the weight, becoming whole is done in the same way.
    I am rooting for you.
    best regards
    Moira

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:53 AM  

  • Girl, don't you know that 30 is the new 20. 40 is the new 30 and so on and so on.....At least that is what Oprah says. And if Oprah says it, then you KNOW it must be true!

    It's ok. I'm 34 years old and did not have my baby until just two years ago. Up until then I had always said "No Way" to kids, then my mom got sick and died suddenly and then everything changed. You have plenty of time. Heck, I'll be 36 or so before we have (hopefully) another one.....and if we can't or don't, then that's ok too. You'll find your path, and you will know it when you do.

    I used to despair over the fact that we did not have Ryan before mom died (and I still do sometimes) but in some way I also know that it simply was not supposed to happen that way. This is how it was supposed to be. Embrace 30. It's only 20 after all. :)

    By Anonymous Reese, at 8:00 AM  

  • When I was reading that I almost forgot it was you writing and not me. I feel a lot like you about marriage and babies. I love being married, but marriage wasn't at all what I thought it would be. It is work, a lot of work. I turned 30 this year and am still worried about kids. I want them, but not now, not even this year. I want to us to have a house and be financially responsible. Will this ever happen?

    Sorry to go on like that but you see what I mean. Your entry really hit a nerve.

    I'm glad to see you are thinking and as someone else said, this alone is progress.

    By Blogger ms ralph, at 4:26 PM  

  • this might sound a bit strange....I've been married now for 5 1/2 years, am 38 and have a 2yo, and I feel younger and more 'sparkly' now than I did 7 years ago when I met my darling husband. Getting married means fear because you can suddenly see the rest of your life, and there is also the possibility of loss. You think: Is it always going to be like this? I can't stand the thought of losing this! My answer was to try and let go of those things and enjoy each little moment. Gradually little by little the 'me' that was stuck under all the "how am I supposed to do this married thing again? Oh dear" emerged again. My husband wasn't quite as stressed-out protective as yours but he was, quite frankly a bit of a pain about many things for some time. Now, just with a lot of love and trust in each other we are in a realy good place without even really knowing how. I'd add "communication" but that sounds so Dr Phil - actually what's keep us moving positively is the willingness to keep trying to communicate even at times when we're not very good at it.
    Summarising: marriage feels extremely weird at first b/c there are 2 people in a space where 1 used to be. But over time the space stretches to fit you both. Take care

    LBTEPA

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:55 PM  

  • You don't know me but I read your blog from time to time.

    First of all, hi! And second, don't worry about the babies/age thing. My mum had me when she was 36, and my sister when she was 38. I'm only 24 but I FULLY intend to follow in her footsteps. Why waste your fun years on kids? They can wait. :P

    By Blogger Shrew, at 2:33 AM  

  • My co-worker just had her first baby at the age of 38. She's going to have another and will probably be 40.

    I'm 35 and my clock aint even beeping in the distance at me yet.

    I know that people have hopes and wishes and timelines, but sometimes you have to be willing to be throw the timeline out the window and live life for awhile.

    You're doing fine.

    Ya know, thinking back to when I was 30, I worried way more about my clock ticking back then than I do now!! Funny, that.

    By Blogger Nicole-AFW, at 9:14 AM  

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