I Am That Girl Now

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's official

My doctor thinks I'm clinically depressed. We're going to try out Zoloft for a while as a first shot; if this doesn't help, we're going to look at other possibilities. I also have the number of a therapist lady I'm supposed to call, to talk through my many, many issues.

No real question that I've been experiencing a full-blown depressive episode the past three or four weeks. The real question is what's going on behind that, the stuff that's been keeping me at 60% most of the time.

My doctor asked about my history, and I told her about my two years of deep, dark, occasionally suicidal depression back in college. In retrospect, I should have expected that she'd be surprised that in spite of all that, I still graduated... but really, it never occurred to me before that not graduating was any kind of an option. (Hell, considering my family's expectations, getting more than one B in a semester was unthinkable.) Apparently I'm a very stubborn, strong-willed woman. Shocking, I know.

So. That's the story. I'll keep y'all updated. Thanks for all the words of support; you have no idea how much it's meant to have other people out there assuring me that I'm not making this shit up and not overreacting. ::hugs::


  • You're welcome... I hope the medication helps. The hardest part about depression is that it can take a while to find the right course of treatment, so if the Zoloft isn't the right medication, there may be another. It takes time, but you've already gotten through the hardest part... you've realized the problem.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you feel a lot better soon. I know all too well what you're describing, and I know the frustration.


    By Anonymous Mae, at 10:24 AM  

  • huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs... good luck matey, we will all be thinking of you.

    By Anonymous dg, at 2:05 AM  

  • I have been reading your archives and finally have caught up. I too have gone to a therapist when I was living in New Jersey some years back. I am currently 33 years old. I know that it will help. It most likely is alot of things from when you lived at home and past things that are creeping up over and over agian. What you just said about your parents not being able to except anything lower then a b grade can be part of that. I know I had alot of issues about my past that I talked out with my therapist. The one most important thing is finding the right one that will listen to you and not the clock. I hope it goes well with you! You are in my thoughts!

    By Blogger starborder60, at 3:38 AM  

  • Hi, Meg.

    I came across your post tonight via skwigg's site, and I find it yet another notable stitch of fate. Thanks for posting your thoughts; I did the same, a horrid first effort, just this eve.

    Humbling and strange the parallels that connect us all.


    By Blogger Karenna, at 4:54 AM  

  • Hi,
    I want to say get well soon, but I also want to stress that with depression, you cannot rush things and thus it will take a bit longer.
    Your biological symptoms will improve first; sleep, appetite and energy and soon you will be as good as new. But that is when the real work starts, this is the time when you will have to confront those underlying issues and start dealing with them one by one and this is the job you will share with your therapist.
    With Zoloft, you might experience strange sensation that your head is really heavy and you might feel your vision blurry. Don’t worry, those fade away in 10 days.
    I have been in your shoes and sympathise completly.
    Good bless!!

    By Blogger stitch'N'match, at 6:35 AM  

  • I'm just catching up on my blog reading. Sorry to hear that you're having this problem. I have cycles of clinical depression. Believe me, you are Sooo not making it up! Sometimes just getting to the point of making the decision to go to the doctor will help enough to make it feel like the symptoms are receeding, so I know what you mean about feeling better on the day of the appointment.

    Zoloft was the first medication I tried, but the initial side effects made me even less functional than the depression so my doctor switched me to Prozac after just a week and a half. The Prozac worked and it's what I've used for all of my cycles since. This was ten years ago so there are lots more medication choices now.

    The waiting is the hardest part, but the meds will help. In the meantime, aerobic exercise (if you can) helps, but don't beat yourself up if you can't. As your serotonin level comes up, you'll be able to do more. It just takes time.

    I found that Talk Therapy also helps with the stress and the anxiety from the depression. It helped me discover that my depressions are triggered by high stress. My body just consumes more serotonin that it can produce, and hence, depression. I know what to look for in my moods so I can usually tell when I'm starting to "circle the drain" and head off an episode in the early days rather than not catching it until I'm ready to "pull the plug." (and you get lots of fun new vocabulary to go with it).

    Hang in there. It really does get better.

    By Blogger BethK, at 7:27 AM  

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