I Am That Girl Now

Monday, July 11, 2005

So, I'm freakin'.

It came to my attention last night that I have spent the past week or so completely freaking out. I'm not usually aware of my own emotions, so things like this escape my notice until my mysterious symptoms get so severe that I have to sit down and figure out what in the hell is going on. This time, we had the weird facial rash (real cute), the inconsolable need to binge, the insomnia, and the activity paralysis on any number of projects. I was lying awake last night, staring at the ceiling, and finally thought "Hrm, I have this weird tightness in the front of my chest and my heart is all thumpy, and... hey, I'm scared and stressed and freaked out!" By God, I am overwhelmed and scared to death. It's nice to know that. It was entirely possible that I was going to go eat a fleet of Twinkies from that fear without ever acknowledging it as such.

I'm still freaking out, which is bad, and now I'm exhausted as well from being up half the night with my spinny brain. I had a very bad time of it for a while there and was seriously considering saying FUCK IT to everything. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to sit in one place and hide with my books and my television and my cat. I didn't even want to talk to my Hub. Seriously, in retrospect I really should have realized days and days ago that I wasn't feeling constrained by my lifestyle, I was feeling trapped by my life. My reaction to such is to flee and hide and stay very still; I must've been a small prey animal in a former life.

Overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed. When my Hub came to bed, we spent about an hour talking (and, okay, having me cry on him quite a bit) and it improved matters a bit. I get it into my head sometimes that not only do I have the world on my shoulders, but that nobody else can help out with it, and that if I don't keep it up then everything will crash and everybody will blame me for doing it wrong. I start hoarding up my trust, rationalizing my disinclination to deputize by thinking that I could do it better, that it won't take long, that this person is overworked anyway, that this was supposed to be my responsibility and it's wrong to push it on someone else...

Anyway. That's just not good for me. Not only do I get nothing accomplished because I've frozen in place (and that just makes it worse, because then I'm behind! ack!), but it clearly starts eating away at my health. Pun intended. By the time my Hub got to bed last night I had given myself a stomachache from all the worrying, and-- since he has a long history of doing the same thing-- when I admitted to this, he promptly sent me to the bathroom to take a Pepcid. Good man.

So.

The good news is that last night's breakdown did get me to realize and admit what was going on in my noggin; the bad news is that since I got so little sleep, I overslept and now I have to do cardio when I get home, instead of already having it done. I do not in any way want to contemplate what I've eaten this weekend, or find out what damage I've done to myself, so in the interests of keeping myself on-plan this week I'm giving myself until Friday to weigh in and am filing this weekend's food in the "let bygones be bygones" category. I'm too exhausted to learn from myself, and that was too close of a close call.

I have a tan now, though. Good lord. I've been pure white for years on end, due to avoiding activity, the great outdoors, and clothing that covered me less than your average burka, so my tan astonishes me. I'm also astonishing myself with how muscle-y my arms feel (in spite of the omnipresent fat wobble hiding the definition); I wish it would translate into being able to lift more, though. Hell, I should just kick up the weight next UBWO and go ahead and do it. Tired of being wussy.

Trying to dig out, here at work. My only plan for the day involves being able to see the surface of my desk by the end of it. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm still among the living. I hated our houseguests with a passion, FYI; they weren't bad people, and they did a very good job of taking off and entertaining themselves most of the time they were here, and my Hub did indeed make their care and feeding his primary responsibility, but... bleah. I had nothing in common with them and they pushed my buttons and I wanted very much to kick one of them in the teeth. Mental note: the next time my Hub has guests, I should vacate. Sigh.

8 Comments:

  • Um. Also? Guests can and do stay in hotels all the time, all over the world. If having houseguests pushes all your bad buttons, you could try seeing where the nearest reasonable hotels are.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:09 AM  

  • Hi Meg,
    I just had guests over the Fourth which I hated with a passion (one of them, anyway) but I couldn't write about it on my blog too directly because the one that I don't hate (my mom) reads my blog and is married to the one I do hate, and Oh GOD even though I didn't freak out when they were at my house, the week since they left has not been pretty. The DH and I are really holding onto a lot of resentment (him for me inflicting my relatives on him; me for him being resentful, him for me being resentful of his resentfulness, etc.). There has to be a solution and I think we almost had it by moving as far away as possible so it's really inconvenient for them to visit, but since that doesn't completely work, I agree with Anon above that hotels must be the answer. We're too old to have roommates we're not having sex with.

    By Blogger The Troescher Team, at 12:16 PM  

  • Sigh, wouldn't it be nice on days when you need a haircut, have some visiting zits, slept on your face, had to put on wrinkled clothes from out of the dryer that you COULD toss on a bright saffron colored burkha and just peer out at the world through your little screen door?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:44 PM  

  • Holy moly. This is the first time I've read your blog but we might be the same person. Except I have no tan because I'm addicted to sun screen. Thanks for posting about your anxiety, because sometimes when I'm there with the stomach knot and the Butterscotch Krimpets and the inactivity and not sleeping I'll feel full out crazy, and reading the same person feeling the same things is reassuring that I'm not as ass crazy as I think I am.....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:35 PM  

  • This business of getting healthy and STAYING THERE can be a very lonely and exhausting process in itself. It’s very taxing, especially when you build yourself up from baby steps. Pretty soon, you’re taking giant strides all the time, every day, taking each step for granted, expecting them of yourself, expecting more, choosing to focus on the horizon and the next goal.

    You are an amazing woman, Meg, freak outs and all.

    Next time you have houseguests scheduled, come to out Oregon and stay with me. I have an entirely BFL-friendly kitchen and a gym membership that lets me bring guests. :-)

    By Blogger Sioban, at 5:16 PM  

  • The whole scenario sounds exactly like me two years ago when I finally broke down and had the realisation that I had depression. Along with a bit of social phobia and control issues. You may have to look at all the reasons that you are feeling like this and maybe redirect yourself to reinvigorate your life

    By Blogger Jules, at 3:57 AM  

  • Ack... this is so the place that my head gets to on a regular basis.

    Why don't they tell us all the head issues that get revealed by this drive to be fit and healthy. Dammit, just when you're getting the body into shape, the head goes wonky.

    By Blogger ladymisstree, at 5:52 AM  

  • Houseguests will do it to you. No matter how nice they are or how much you love them. I hate entertaining period and my husband hates people in his space. I want to move closer to family just so that when I see them or they see me it's not a 24-7 houseguest situation.

    Bleck!

    On the freakout, I feel you. Walls closing in, want to escape. It's horrible.

    By Blogger Nikki, at 9:03 AM  

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