I Am That Girl Now

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Still alive

Day 2 of the July 4th Weekend Fallout Regrouping Strategy. Which is to say: I tried. I really tried. But boy, did I lose it.

There's really nothing like an eager-to-please mother-in-law to completely guilt me. (Except for possibly her son, my darling Hub, whose guilt-inducing powers know no limits.) I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to, but she was just trying so hard, and getting it all wrong, and my Hub was trying to run interference but he didn't have much to work with, and I was trapped in the house with four screaming, stampeding children most of the weekend, and... hello, Taco Bell, hello gummy worms, hello cheeseburgers and hot dogs fresh off the grill, hello local potato chips, hello, ice cream. I tried to get back on track on Monday, since half the day was spent at home, but I continued to lose it. I did get my exercise in. Had to bring along my wee 30-lb weight set to do it, but I did it. So there's that, at least.

Those of you who notice such things may notice that my binge-meter has been re-set. I made it five weeks and then KABOOM. First Memorial Day, now the Fourth. Beware of three-day holiday weekends, that's all I can say.

So, back on the horse. I've managed to get past the stage where I hate the horse, and past the "oh my God, what have I done, I should throw myself out a window because I've RUINED EVERYTHING" phase that comes after the horse-hatred phase. I've been chanting a sort of cobbled-together prayer or mantra in my head (thanks to Mae and Confusciously, both of whom I kept thinking of):

Help me to appreciate the easy days as a blessing, not a right;

Help me to remember that the hard days never last forever, even if it feels that way;

Help me to believe that anything worth doing is worth doing badly-- yes, even if I never get any better at it, and yes, even if it's in front of people.

I'm not 100% yet. My water intake is iffy and I'm having fierce psychological cravings that I've had to put off with entire packs of sugarless gum; I resented the hell out of having to wake up this morning and dragged ass on my way to the treadmill. I keep forgetting that the third leg of the health tripod, after diet and exercise, is SLEEP; my lunatic husband keeps staying up late and getting up early and that's fine for him, since he eats lousy and sits around anyway, but if I want to be able to eat well and get shit done, I need to provide myself with adequate rest.

Speaking of the rest, the reason that this was really brought home to me was that all of last week I did stupid things, clumsy things, pissy things, and forgetful things. I dropped a bowl of oatmeal. Locked myself out of the apartment. Used my debit card for the rental car instead of the credit card (and had to scrabble around yesterday to come up with enough cash in the bank so that nothing would bounce). Accidentally dumped boiling hot water on my hand and burned myself. Tripped over the cat and fell down. Completely miscommunicated with my Hub regarding laundry. Got lost. Left my moisturizer at my mother-in-law's house. Forgot to take my BC pill one morning (doubled up the next morning and am now living in fear until my period: NO KIDS, PLEASE GOD, NO KIDS; I'M TOO DAMN YOUNG!). Snapped at the children. Gave wrong answers to my Hub. Gave a truck driver the finger.

I really need more sleep.

That said, I did have a good time this weekend for one reason: I got to bond with my Hub again. We are a brilliant road-trip team and are transcendently goofy when spending time in a 3-ft. deep wading pool. We giggled together in bed after lights-out for hours, like we were having a damn slumber party (with sex, hooray! best kind!). And we got to watch our wedding video while showing it to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, neither of whom made it to the wedding, and snuggle on the couch and remember the day. Lovely altogether. I adore that man.

So. Tonight I have to fix my Palm and do some cooking (we're about to be invaded by guests for the weekend, imagine my joy) for next week, which means I'll have to hit the grocery store first. I have some planning that I have to do... more about that later.

Glad to be back, though. Hi, folks!


  • Meg! Glad you managed to have a good time, despite the pitfalls of food away from home, and some clumsy moments. Slumber party with sex sounds like fun :).

    I am glad I could help... I am not exactly sure what I said, but you're most welcome for whatever bit of wisdom I unknowingly bestowed upon you ;)! It's the least I can do, since you inspire me so often!

    And on missed pill shouldn't = kids. I double up once a month these days... not sure if I forget on purpose *subconciously, of course* or if it's just my failing memory (not enough sleep will do that!). They say as long as it's only one day you miss you should be just fine. :)

    I love watching my wedding video... you can't hear much of it, because we were married outside and it was windy... but it's wonderful to feel all warm and fuzzy together. :)

    Welcome back!

    By Anonymous Mae, at 5:50 PM  

  • I was wondering where the hell you were! ;)

    Sounds like a doozy of a weekend. I tell ya, mantras are the BEST for helping to crush the evil voices in your head that try to sabotage the best of efforts. Tis but one weekend in a sea of many...

    By Anonymous Cynthia, at 6:00 PM  

  • Meg, now look what you've done... I had to go and watch our wedding movie, and now I'm crying.

    Heh. I told my hub to blame you ;).


    By Anonymous Mae, at 6:49 PM  

  • Glad to see you back. On Wednesday, I started to wonder. You know how people always say it's a lifestyle. Well, holidays are a part of it. Holidays and vacations are the times to go off plan, if it must happen. Life just happens. You've gotten back on the horse and that's what matters.

    By Blogger Nikki, at 8:54 AM  

  • It's one more learning experience, right? One more chance to figure out what went wrong, what went right and what you can do to fix it next time. Or maybe you decide to not fix and it just go with the flow for a week, as long as you know you can get back to where you want to be the next week. You're not the girl you once were. You know how to deal with this now. You're doing great.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:17 AM  

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