I Am That Girl Now

Thursday, June 23, 2005


I'm trying to get the grumpy out of the way so that I can deal with the rest of my day. I'm feeling ignored by people who are happily reorganizing the system that I am supposedly in charge of; they put together a task force to deal with it and left me off of it. Um, hello, but last time I checked this was my job. I'm doing my deep breathing and going through the appropriate channels to get this corrected-- more the "icily polite professional" type of anger (based on the model of a dear friend, who's very good at IPP anger) and less of the HULK SMASH! sort of rage. I realize that I'm feeling insecure, that being ignored like that automatically made me question my own importance, and the fear created this anger. So, rather than react out of that anger (even though I really, really, REALLY want to say "WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, YOU FECKLESS TWAT?"), I'm going to act as though there is no question of my importance. I'm going to be on this task force, period. I will not be left behind. The company needs me on there, my department needs me on there, and by God I'm going to get on. I will be polite, but relentless. I will not give in to my intense wish to yell swear words. No no no.

On the up side, today is Day 40 on BFL-- nearly halfway through! I had to modify my lower-body workout slightly because the step-ups caused me great ass pain last time-- I'm pretty sure that the chair was too high for my little legs, so I was using more hamstrings & glutes than quads, which will not do 'cause those come next (on lunges, for God's sake, and those are killer). I'm thinking again of building a box for step-ups. My lunges are off and on; my mind wanders because I hate them so much, and so I end up not using the correct form. Me dumbass. Me need to do lunges correctly. That said, I wouldn't let myself give up. I'm getting better and better at that.

In the first four weeks, my weight joggled around fairly constantly but stayed for the most part right above 130. I weigh in officially tomorrow, but I snuck a peek today anyway, and it appears that after the first four weeks, I've been creeping down half a pound per week. It's not the 2 lbs/week that I was accustomed to on WeightWatchers, but hell, I feel 200% better, and I feel fairly confident that the weight coming off is fat, not muscle. My upper belly continues to deflate, which pleases me greatly. My Hub tells me that my legs are looking leaner. These are good things.

No lunch with my Hub. He is stuck in meetings all day. The theory is that they'll be feeding him; if not, I'm going to have to run downstairs and get him some food. Poor boy.

Okay, I think I'm better. Calm, cool, collected. Breathing in and out. Time to face the day.


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