Trapped.

I was on a commuter train yesterday, headed up north to see some friends for the evening. It took an hour to get up there. The train car was completely full of people, and most of them were talking. Several sets of people were talking at that balls-out blaring bray that rattles my fillings: that pitch and volume that in my opinion is best used when attempting to project your voice to fill a theatre without benefit of a microphone, not when speaking to someone who is right fucking next to you.

You know those scenes in science fiction or fantasy where a character gets the power to read minds, and the cacaphony that results-- chaotic noise that they can't tune out, can't get away from, and can't sort out-- drives them batshit crazy? That was me yesterday. I was nearly in tears by the end of that train ride, I was so frustrated. Ready to chew off my own foot to get out of the trap, or batter myself unconscious against the bars of my cage. I had tissue stuffed in my ears and it didn't help.

I don't know why noise affects me like that. Put me in a noisy crowd, or even with two or three of my more volume-control-impared friends (their parents seem to have missed the "use your indoor voice, please" lesson), and I beat a hasty retreat after about five minutes. If I can't get away-- if I'm stuck in a car with them, or on a train, or in a social situation where there is no excuse to leave-- I start to lose it. I can't go to some concerts or bars because of this: constantly being beaten around the head with noise drives me mental.

I know I'm bad with this stuff, which is why I try to limit my exposure to it, and try to plan frequent breaks. The problem sets in when I'm trapped.

Actually, most of my freak-outs involve being trapped. Trapped physically (I get claustrophobic when I can't move around freely if I so choose-- which makes me a joy on crowded morning trains, I tell ya), trapped socially, trapped time-wise, trapped choice-wise, trapped food-wise, all of it. All these things make me completely lose my shit. Again, I don't know why. Possibly it's because I'm socially engineered to react like prey instead of like a predator: when faced with a less-than-good situation, I avoid, I flee, and if I get cornered then I get very hostile in a panicky way. I need new social engineering.

Currently, we've got a two-day meeting coming up. Staff from every office in all our locations are coming in. I'm being faced with things that I don't like-- I'm going to be outside my comfort zone, off my turf, and surrounded by casual acquaintances that I don't particularly care to be chatty with for two whole days. Two days in a row, I'm going to have to navigate my way around questionable luncheons and avoid the giant plates of brownies and cookies and cupcakes and God knows what else at the scheduled breaks. Two nights in a row, we're going to be out and surrounded by endless amounts of food of little or no nutritional value-- forced "fun time" with people I barely know and don't particularly care to get to know.

I'm soothing myself with planning. I've been hitting up people for information, so I'm more in the know than most of the office-- I know ahead of time what the menu is going to be like for every buffet and event, and what time we get to do what, so I'm working up a schedule and plan to deal with all of it. My main challenge here is that when trapped, and trapped around people I barely know, lacking something to do other than chat with the disquieting strangers, my usual plan in the past has been to distract myself by stuffing my gob. I'm working out a "what normal people do at parties" plan and am going to attempt to impliment it.

I have to take the I can do this, I'm going to do this, there's no way I'm going to let these bastards fuck up my food intake because of stupid fear and boredom stance. Have to. Gotta square my shoulders, set my jaw, and go in with confidence. I'm not going to think about failure in this; it WILL NOT HAPPEN. I am not the girl who has problems with this situation anymore, I am the girl who can handle them.

In the meantime, I need to call the park district. This company bullshit is preventing me from getting to my first swimming lesson, and I have to make damn sure they don't take away the rest of my lessons because of that. Normally I wouldn't have to worry, but since this is a free class, they want to be able to use any open spots. Grr.