I Am That Girl Now

Thursday, July 07, 2005

This month is never going to end, I swear

Weekend before last, we were over-booked socially. This last weekend, we spent the entire thing at the in-laws'. As of tonight, we have guests for the weekend-- internet friends of my Hub's whom I have met a total of once before. Next Thursday is the Bastille Day 5K, that Saturday is the Chinatown 5K, we're supposed to meet an out-of-town friend for brunch Sunday morning and go to another friend's place for the entire afternoon/evening for fireworks and a birthday celebration. If I stop too long to think about this, I may throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum. TOO MUCH SHIT TO DO. TOO LITTLE TIME.

I need a plan to escape this weekend. I already warned my Hub that when I'm feeling hemmed in and trapped by humanity, even his company is too much; I'm going to flee the house on Saturday and go shopping. Not sure what I'm going shopping for. I have a strange love of going to "visit" the stuff in the stores, checking in on it, looking at it, taking comfort in the fact that it exists and is interesting. Maybe I should go to the library-- same thing, just with books, and I could take some home for free!

The apartment is a mess, I'm low on sleep, and the cooking I intended to get done last night didn't get done because by the time I got done with a) cooking dinner, b) going to the store for supplies, and c) throwing together my 9 PM mini-meal, it was so totally time for me to go to bed.

I did, however, get to bed earlier than normal, and I desperately needed it. My Hub, on the other hand, in spite of being too tired to cook, or clean, or really accomplish anything involving prep for the guests, still stayed up for several hours after I hit the hay. I don't know what to do about this. (Rather, I don't know what to do that doesn't involve shaking him until his brains rattle out.) He knows he's tired. He is aware that extra sleep would make him feel better. I think he realizes that he's not getting stuff done because he's tired... and yet, knowledge doesn't appear to make a difference. I think that for him, more physically demanding things such as cooking, cleaning, trips to the store, and anything involving movement come in second in importance to anything that can be accomplished on his computer. As long as he has enough energy to sit in front of the computer, he doesn't feel that there's a real problem.

I, on the other hand, require not only enough energy to sit on my ass, but also require the energy to exercise, cook, clean, and still have the oomph to give a shit about eating right. I need sleep.

I may be reaching some sort of breaking point where my Hub's attitude toward taking care of himself is concerned. If he wants to eat crap food, fine. Whatever. If he wants to avoid exercising, I'm not going to force him. I've been sidestepping the sleep issue, too, but it's getting to the point where it is affecting me, and while I try hard to stay hands-off on peoples' personal choices when those choices are only affecting them, this is a whole different story.

I think I'm going to lay down the law on the sleep thing. For myself, I will go to bed at 9:30 PM, period. Beyond that, I'm going to make it clear that his choices are his own, but that the choice has come down to a) he chooses to get enough sleep or b) he chooses not to get enough sleep and still have to take care of his half of things. I'm through with letting him sleep until I'm done with my exercise. I'm not going to pick up the slack on packing lunches anymore, and I'm not going to be nice about it when he's repeatedly too tired to cook on his dinner nights and wants to go out or order food instead. And the next time he wants to have guests over, I'll go halvsies on prepping for them but seriously, that's it. I am sick of being overly nice about this stuff.

Hell, I seem to be reaching this point on a lot of things this week. Peoples' methods of childrearing may appall me on a personal level, but as long as it doesn't impact my life, I feel that I have no right to say anything. When their parenting choices repeatedly cause otherwise-entirely-adult gatherings to degenerate into chaos, that's something else. If you want to goof around with your child by teaching them how to hit people, fine, whatever; it's when you don't bother to make it clear to the child that this is not allowed outside of the home that you get a problem. ("Kid, you do not hit Grandma. Ever. EVER.") If you're perpetually running late, but the only person it only hurts is you, fine, whatever; when you run late to such an amazing degree that it causes people dependent upon you to miss their flights home, that's another thing.


The main thing with my Hub, at least, is to find a useful way of communicating the problem without causing him to tip over from guilt. He does this thing where it's like he thinks if he hates himself enough for something, then it's okay. I don't want him to hate himself-- not only because I love him and want him to see the good stuff about himself and yadda yadda smushikins, but because his paralyzing guilt doesn't help me any. Yes, dear, it's a lovely gesture to wear that sackcloth and ashes and whip yourself and all, but none of this is getting the garbage out to the dumpster. What would really impress me would be actual action, actual change. An overabundance of self-flagillation is mostly making me suspect that this is a subconscious way of avoiding change and action.

What's worse is that I don't have any real room to bitch on that one because I know I do the same thing myself. If I feel really really bad about it, I don't have to actually do something about it, right? Sigh.

And, anyway.

I've finally hashed out a way to exercise the precise muscle that needs help on the front of my calves, instead of the gigantic muscles in the back (which, trust me, need no help). Result: ow ow ow. Oops.

Guests will apparently be on their way to some kind of 'do in the far far suburbs by the time I hit the treadmill tomorrow morning. This is of the good, because we've been trying to figure out all week how I was going to manage HIIT at 5:30 AM with guests trying to sleep in the next room. Yet another good reason to have a gym membership.


  • Sounds like it *is* time to lay down the law. Otherwise, a whisper of the word "enabler" floats up on its own.

    Your hub sounds a little like mine - when he keeps doing (or not doing) a certain something, his means of reacting is simply self-flagellation, as if that helps anything. The way I deal with it is simply to respond by saying, I appreciate that, but the real focus here has to be on getting x done. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

    You can't change him or this behavior. All you can do is set limits on what you will and won't contribute to enable it - without judgment, of course. Just what is and is not acceptable for you personally to do.

    (oh, bad parenting? aaaargh! I could go on about that for daaaaaays. so I won't here.)

    By Blogger Wendy, at 11:19 AM  

  • Well, they're his guests, right? And it's his rule about not running outside because he's afraid you'll get hurt?

    Ask him very nicely to come running outside with you this week when you can't use your treadmill because of his guests, thereby ensuring that you will continue to be nice to his guests and not have a melt-down.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:27 PM  

  • "If I feel really really bad about it, I don't have to actually do something about it, right?"

    Ack, that struck a powerful chord. Damn, but that's pretty true for me, too. Grr.

    I have a similar issue with my hub these days... he doesn't seem to want to go to bed at normal hours anymore (we've always been "late" people, but 2 AM is really a bit much)... as I mentioned, for me it doesn't really matter when I go to sleep. For him, though, it does.

    Good luck with this... I hope you are able to discuss it with him, and get things worked out in a way that meets both your needs!

    By Anonymous Mae, at 4:12 PM  

  • Meg, I realized while walking tonight that my comment may have sounded smug. I meant it in a "I know what you mean" kind of a way. Sorry if it came across like an "I know everything about everything" kind of way. Hope tomorrow's better!

    By Blogger Wendy, at 8:00 PM  

  • Wendy, I so didn't take it as smug. I appreciate the comments in the spirit they were intended.

    We have guests approaching. Kill me. Aaaaaah!

    By Blogger Meg, at 9:10 PM  

  • I hear you. My hub is the same way and I've left him to his own devices. He insists that he functions better at night. As a result he doesn't sneak into bed until about an hour before I'm getting up. Then he wonders about sex. TMI, sorry:-)

    He also does the self-flagellation thing. Causing himself serious stress that leads to severe back pain, then he really can't do anything. I've taken to saying just get it done, no need to stress about it, just get it done.

    Funny how I ended up with someone who has my issues. While I say that to him, it helps me to "Just get it done." I guess it works out in the end.

    By Blogger Nikki, at 9:46 AM  

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