I Am That Girl Now

Thursday, September 15, 2005


I feel like crap. I may be sick again. Joy.

In other news, I have an appointment to speak with my doctor about my ongoing emotional wiggitude. I'm just going to lay it all out, including how I don't know what the hell to do because we don't have insurance that pays for any head-shrinking. I will probably cry. I'm doing a lot of that lately. I just want somebody to take care of me, is all; I just want to feel normal again instead of disconnected and tired and stressed and sad and foggy.

Depression is like geology. The edges stretch out further than I can see, and if I think about it I start to wonder how much of what I'm like, these days, has been formed by this thing. It feels like I've been this way forever and just manage to forget, here and again.

Oh, so tired. Gotta go home.


  • Meg
    Depression is very sneaky and can worm its way into your life slowly and just sit there and then wham! Suddenly everything is black and gloomy and you feel your own sorrow and that of the rest of the world (hence your reaction to Katrina). It is a dark place and it must be addressed. Get yourself some help - going to your doc is the first step and keep writing. It really helps to get it out there. My dark times are manageable now mainly because I have become aware of the signs and don't allow them to take over.
    You can get through this.

    By Anonymous Moira, at 2:16 AM  

  • Meg, I also understand how you feel. I've been through it enough times myself. I try hard to not let it take over my life, but sometimes it does anyway.

    I saw in your newer post someone mentioned getting your thyroid tested. I recommend that, too. I have hypothyroidism, caused by an immune disorder, and when my thyroid is screwed up, I definitely feel worse, physically and mentally. The medication is cheap and has no side effects, which is nice. It's just a matter of keeping it level, and sometimes it will need an increase. I am now usually able to tell when that's happening.

    I hope you are able to find your answers. I tried Prozac last winter, but it caused major panic attacks and I actually had suicidal thoughts, when before I did not. I went off it immediately, but I do believe medication can work. I decided to forgo it after that, and it was shortly after that I learned I needed a thyroid med increase. Once I got that, I felt somewhat better... more in control.

    Anyway, I hope you are able to find the answers you're looking for. I agree that writing it out will help, even if you're writing it just for you, not to publish. Also, look for sliding scale therapy. You're in a major city, so I expect it's findable. I had found an agency that let you decide how much you could pay. Originally, I thought that was $25 a session, but when that proved too much I asked them to consider $15 - and they did. The agency was called IPTAR. If you Google that, maybe they can help you find something similar in the Chicago area.

    Therapy is wonderful, but not without it's heartaches. I found the first few months exceptionally difficult, and felt worse than I did when I'd begun for a while... but eventually, it turned around, and last fall I stopped going. It had become a crutch, and I knew it was time to let it go.

    As Moira said, you can get through this... you can find the answers. You're insightful and honest, and those are two critical keys to successfully battling depression.


    By Anonymous Mae, at 8:26 AM  

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