I Am That Girl Now

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I kinda wish I had my therapist again

I've been thrown for a loop here, folks. I've been twitchy and edgy and weird all week, and I think I finally figured out what's going on.

My Hub has gotten the bit between his teeth on several things lately. Fitness isn't the only thing; he's also in a fever to rearrange the apartment and to shake up the finances. He's started clearing things up and maneuvering around, and I've been sort of shrinking into a corner and staring, startled by the sudden movement.

I think I'm mostly freaking out because I'm no longer in full control of the situation. Most of this stuff I've been doing alone, ever since I was in college, and even when Hub and I became a thing I was still in charge of them. Currently my Hub is charging full steam ahead into all of this stuff, and it feels like all my carefully built plans are being yanked around and broken and pulled away from me. I'm definitely freakin'.

Thing is, I'm pleased that he's doing this. I'm happy with the idea of having a full partner in this stuff. I just am not comfortable with the pace of change, not comfortable at ALL, and in reaction I've been withdrawn and motionless. Which, you know, doesn't help matters.

Clearly what needs to happen is that we need to sit down and sort this stuff out, figure out some way of harnessing his energy to my planning capabilities, and move on from there. What's stopping me? The only thing I can think of is that I'm scared that my stuff won't be important anymore, that my ideas of how things should proceed will get pushed aside. I'm very good at being the solo control for anything, but ask me to be part of a team and weird things happen.

Conclusion: I need to figure out what I want, and make sure they're on the table, and not wilt under the least pressure and let 'em go. If I'm going to be partners with my Hub, I need to be a partner, not a grudging follower. Gotta go toe-to-toe.

In other news...

Well, let's see. I seem to have a good grasp of soothing myself at work with hot tea and hot cocoa, which is good. I've caught myself several times thinking I was hungry when the sensation was, in fact, higher up than actual hunger and actually indicates nervousness (particularly when put together with all my other twitchy symptoms), and worked to calm myself down instead of eating. I bought chocolate thingies at Trader Joe's and yet I have only gone nutso on 'em once, since, and yet they're STILL not all gone. I've also left them out for my Hub's availability, rather than hiding them away as my secret little treat. When my Hub was having, as he called it, a "cheese and tomato evening", which usually means that he's so stressed that he wants a calzone, I talked him into getting a slice from the pizza place around the corner, and then we went home and I made dinner-- pork tenderloin and two veggie sides, which he raved over. (Thank you, thankyouverymuch.) I'm chugging through the first week of C25K, adjusting it so that I'm still doing the same time intervals, just at a higher rate of speed than will challenge me. I love getting off the treadmill just dripping with sweat; it is such a good, good way to start the day.

On the other hand, we have been spending money like we've got Brewster's millions-- as fast as if we had a time limit-- and we're only about a month away from having to start working two new things into our budget. My Hub, who is blissfully unaware of what the math means, keeps suggesting yet another expense. I am losing it on this one. We need to do a serious sit-down discussion on this, but the pressure will be on me to explain the math to my Hub, who is not very mathy. The pressure here is

Also, my damn oral surgeon's appointment keeps getting delayed due to emergency patients, which is fine for them but I swear I keep feeling like I'm on the verge of becoming an emergency patient myself. My mouth hurts, dammit. I'm tired of it hurting. I would like a consulation, please.


  • don't let the change stress you out too much. Let your husband know how you are feeling and hopefully he will be understanding.

    By Blogger Kiki, at 3:28 PM  

  • Now that I'm trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, I find myself talking, processing, venting, and complaining to my husband quite a bit more about the state of things between us. He's a wonderful guy, but I had been squashing a LOT of my feelings and reactions and using food to numb the associated pain.

    So far, he's been extremely understanding, particularly when I remind him that I'm not trying to be critical - expressing what I want, think, and feel just helps me avoid face-planting a bag of Cheetos.

    By Anonymous Erin, at 8:19 AM  

  • I'm so sorry about your mouth :( Pain sucks!!!

    I hope you find relief VERY soon.

    By Blogger Angel, at 10:34 PM  

  • Although it sounds like you're venting and not asking for advice, I'm going to offer some advice anyway. Sorry.

    Talk to your husband. Be open. Be honest. About all of it. Dieting, money, jobs, whatever. Know what you want from your life, your love, and your spirit. Know that you want your husband to be a part of that experience. Work together to make that happen.

    By Anonymous Jarrett, at 9:54 PM  

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