I Am That Girl Now

Friday, July 21, 2006


I will get my brains together at some point, I promise. It's a lousy summer at work, and every friend and blood relation in the country seems to want to visit this summer, which, FYI, in a one-bedroom apartment is more wearing than in a two-bedroom. We finally have nobody coming in and nothing happening this weekend and I am deeply relieved.

In the meantime, I am wallowing in a deep state of crankiness. I'm in the midst of hashing out what to do about my future, career-wise, and figuring out whether this means I'll have to take night classes and how we could pay for such a thing (more loans, doubtless; GOD I HATE LOANS), or whether I will be able to wrest some more training out of my current employer. We have had funny tummy all week; I suspect that some of the leftovers we were eating for lunch were on the questionable side. My allergies are acting up.

Really, I feel like pouting and being a brat. Which is not good.

Does everyone have at least one friend who has everything she's ever wanted fall into her lap? One of mine has a husband who makes a lot of money, which means that she gets to quit jobs whenever she wants and then take long periods of off-time in which she gets to just concentrate on herself and what she wants to get done. No kids. Lots of money. Lots of time. She has all the time in the world to exercise, shop for fresh food, prepare lovely meals, sleep as much as she wants, and pursue her interests in a new career line.

I'm honestly not sure what I'm more envious of: the time, the sleep, the money, or the sheer open opportunities that are available to her. (It's morning, so right now I'm leaning toward sleep.) It's like the miraculous "fat camp" fantasy that Dietgirl talks about every once in a while, where you get enough time to concentrate on remaking yourself.

I blew off steam for a while on this subject with my Hub, who looked very sad and said, "I wish I could give you that." Which made me feel horrible, because, well, that wasn't what I meant. I wouldn't trade him for anything. I would like to see him in a job that made him happier, but we can't ever seem to get enough down-time for him to figure out what that would be.

I guess that back when that friend of mine was my age, she didn't have what she has now, either. The vast gaping distance there is that while we're considering having kids, she and her husband were very clear from the beginning that they didn't want them. So when they made all their plans for the future, they didn't have to work that into the equation, either financially or time-wise or place-wise.

I don't know. It's like I'm being tempted by the "you, too, could have this, if you just don't have kids" idea, but it makes me feel like a horrible human being to think of it that way. I just... I've always been scared of what I'd have to give up in order to have kids. Not just my present, but my future; I'd be trading in a lot of what I could be in order to fund what they could be. Which, again, makes me feel like a horrible human being. I shouldn't be scared like this, but there it is: there are few times in life where you have to sit down and decide whether or not you want to take your life and turn it completely upside down.


That's where my head is, right now, anyway. Either way we go, I want to be prepared for an actual career, though, and I would need more training to get an actual job that would pay me a quality amount of money (and let me do what I enjoy doing-- puzzling out how to make databases and their queries and reports work), and so I need to get that training.

Anyone know where I should start? Or, rather, where I can even go to get advice?


  • Parenthood is scary. IMO, the fact that you are thinking about these things means that you will be a much better parent if you go that route. At least that's my opinion if it makes any sense (and I am a parent).

    By Blogger neca, at 2:08 PM  

  • I'm not sure you CAN get advice about something like this. There are a million pros and cons to having children, and everyone you talk to will have a different experience. You're the one who knows you best.

    But: I never had children, never wanted them. Your sentence about "I'd be trading in what I COULD be in order to fund what THEY could be" is exactly how I felt about it. It's not a matter of being selfish, I just always felt I was too defective to raise children, and would never get the chance to straighten myself out if I had to concentrate on someone else's well-being to that extent. Dealing with the DH is enough. And I think there's a great deal of truth to that.

    Now in my perspective of years (I'm 46) I STILL don't want children, but I DO realize that I could have raised them successfully. No one is EVER prepared for child rearing!

    By Blogger M@rla, at 6:10 PM  

  • When it comes to kids, your line of questions/reasoning sounds pretty much the same I've been going through lately. I quess the decision to start a family is like jumping into dark water - you don't know what's under surface but you are hoping for a life-changing experience. And hoping the experience rather be life-changing in a positive way, not in getting caged or losing oneself.

    When it comes to your blessed friend - maybe she's just on top of the world now, and maybe someday the two of you have switched places. One can never fully control what life brings up.

    By Blogger Tracy, at 9:55 AM  

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  • I feel your pain with the student loans. They are a pain.

    By Blogger jkrunning--Just Keep Running, at 11:17 AM  

  • I can be more helpful about work than about parenthood. There's a great book by Paul and Sarah Edwards called "Finding Your Perfect Work". They bill themselves as The Self-Employment Experts. Just about anything they write is well worth reading. All the best.

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