So, so, so tired

This is what taking a long weekend will do to a person: you catch up on sleep, but at all the wrong times, and then you start not getting enough sleep again because you're not used to falling asleep at the time you'll have to in order to get up at the time you have to and still have slept more than five hours. Damn.

I'm zonked and zoned. So is my Hub. Great times for everyone. I can't imagine that tonight will be good for much of anything except Veronica Mars, and I imagine the battle of avoidance that will be waged over who will make dinner will be an epic one. It's a tough call; he's on antibiotics, I'm on antidepressants, we're both tired as hell today. No judge in residence to figure out which one of us looks more pitiful.

Fascinating times with the therapist yesterday. Having decided that I trusted her and that I needed to get more out of my money than going over material I'd already covered elsewhere, I did a huge info-dump to get her caught up on everything and spelled out what I wanted out of therapy.

That was fun. The problem here is that I don't know how truthful I'm going to be, long-term. I'm okay with being a newbie as long as it means I have the chance to move ahead swiftly and keep on going; always want to make the teacher/parent/boss proud, keep up my image of being the shining overachiever who learns quickly.

Which is, frankly, part of my problem. I'm okay with starting out bad, I'm just not good with a loss of performance that will lead me to feel that I've disappointed someone in authority. Or, for that matter, anyone. And I can't operate like that-- okay, granted, I can, clearly I've worked that way for almost thirty years. Thing is, I can't keep doing this and keep sane. Maybe I could handle it alone, but not married. I have to be able to be human with my Hub, otherwise I'm just going to keep stressing myself into depression.

As my therapist told me yesterday, I need a kinder inner voice than the cruel, perfectionistic one that preens when I get it perfect and kicks me for anything less. She says that talking about what life was like when I was younger is part of that, since my family didn't discuss my father's temper back when it was shaping my personality. I hope she's right. I'm just itching for something more pro-active, I guess.

Best part about this therapy thing is the totally non-judgemental listening thing. I don't owe this woman anything at the end of the hour but a check; for one of the first times that I can remember, I don't have to give anything back, I don't have a responsibility to the other person, I can operate without filters. I filter EVERYTHING, depending on who it is, depending on how I know they'll operate. It's one of the reasons I often find it so much more refreshing to go out among strangers than to be among friends; I don't owe anything to those new people and they don't have any prior conceptions of me, so I can just do whatever, whereas friends...? friends require more specialized treatment. Family, too. Husband? Definitely.

Finding some way that I could cut down on the filters would be nice. Very nice. No wonder I usually cut and run after a few years of knowing people; I've never developed a system of being able to handle the accumulated load of knowledge. I need this. A lot.