I Am That Girl Now

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

So, so, so tired

This is what taking a long weekend will do to a person: you catch up on sleep, but at all the wrong times, and then you start not getting enough sleep again because you're not used to falling asleep at the time you'll have to in order to get up at the time you have to and still have slept more than five hours. Damn.

I'm zonked and zoned. So is my Hub. Great times for everyone. I can't imagine that tonight will be good for much of anything except Veronica Mars, and I imagine the battle of avoidance that will be waged over who will make dinner will be an epic one. It's a tough call; he's on antibiotics, I'm on antidepressants, we're both tired as hell today. No judge in residence to figure out which one of us looks more pitiful.

Fascinating times with the therapist yesterday. Having decided that I trusted her and that I needed to get more out of my money than going over material I'd already covered elsewhere, I did a huge info-dump to get her caught up on everything and spelled out what I wanted out of therapy.

That was fun. The problem here is that I don't know how truthful I'm going to be, long-term. I'm okay with being a newbie as long as it means I have the chance to move ahead swiftly and keep on going; always want to make the teacher/parent/boss proud, keep up my image of being the shining overachiever who learns quickly.

Which is, frankly, part of my problem. I'm okay with starting out bad, I'm just not good with a loss of performance that will lead me to feel that I've disappointed someone in authority. Or, for that matter, anyone. And I can't operate like that-- okay, granted, I can, clearly I've worked that way for almost thirty years. Thing is, I can't keep doing this and keep sane. Maybe I could handle it alone, but not married. I have to be able to be human with my Hub, otherwise I'm just going to keep stressing myself into depression.

As my therapist told me yesterday, I need a kinder inner voice than the cruel, perfectionistic one that preens when I get it perfect and kicks me for anything less. She says that talking about what life was like when I was younger is part of that, since my family didn't discuss my father's temper back when it was shaping my personality. I hope she's right. I'm just itching for something more pro-active, I guess.

Best part about this therapy thing is the totally non-judgemental listening thing. I don't owe this woman anything at the end of the hour but a check; for one of the first times that I can remember, I don't have to give anything back, I don't have a responsibility to the other person, I can operate without filters. I filter EVERYTHING, depending on who it is, depending on how I know they'll operate. It's one of the reasons I often find it so much more refreshing to go out among strangers than to be among friends; I don't owe anything to those new people and they don't have any prior conceptions of me, so I can just do whatever, whereas friends...? friends require more specialized treatment. Family, too. Husband? Definitely.

Finding some way that I could cut down on the filters would be nice. Very nice. No wonder I usually cut and run after a few years of knowing people; I've never developed a system of being able to handle the accumulated load of knowledge. I need this. A lot.

4 Comments:

  • That whole feeling of being able to let loose and know the person isn't judging, and is actually, to some extent, on your side... that's what made therapy so wonderful for me. She was rooting for me, but she didn't take sides, either.

    I'm glad you're working on it all. It's not an easy thing to do, and it can take a lot of time. Just remember, you aren't competing with anyone here. There's no judgement to make on therapy, beyond being honest with yourself about how honest you are being with her!

    By Anonymous Mae, at 5:59 PM  

  • As a therapist, let me just tell you that when clients actually let their therapist know what they want out of therapy, it is *wonderful*.

    I'll often ask some form of the following question, "What is it that you're hoping to get out of therapy?" or "If things were the way you wanted them to be, what would be happening?" or even, "What would be really helpful to talk about today?" and I'm lucky if I get much beyond vagueness.

    So, on behalf of your therapist, thank you for being such a...competent client. And good luck.

    By Anonymous cheeken, at 12:21 AM  

  • Meg? You OK, hon? I sent you an email a while back at your gmail addy, too.

    If you're taking some time to yourself, that's cool - just know that we miss you! :)

    By Anonymous Erin, at 1:52 PM  

  • It sounds like you are doing well. I'm glad to hear it.

    By Blogger ms ralph, at 7:28 PM  

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