I Am That Girl Now

Monday, April 25, 2005

New goals.

Okay, weekend over. Brooding over. New game plan.

1. Three days out of every five-day work week, I must be in bed by 9:30 PM.

2. Brush teeth after each meal.
  • Breakfast: that means before strength training-- and since strength training must begin by 5:45 AM in order to be done by 6 or 6:05 (which is as late as I can hustle my buns onto the treadmill or yoga mat and still get done in time to shower and get ready for work properly).

  • Lunch: immediately upon returning to my office, pick up toothbrush and toothpaste and head to the bathroom. Do not pass Go, do not put ass in chair. Grab. Go. Brush.

  • Supper: I don't care if there might be popcorn later. Post-dinner snacks are something to be negotiated on a case-by-case basis; they are not part of dinner and are not to be dealt with as such in the tooth-brushing rulebook. Once the plate is clear, I am to put the plate down, give the Hub a food-scented smooch, and go. brush. the. damn. teeth.

3. Make Excel sheet to track these things, because (yes, I am a geek) Excel sheets have kept me rolling on the 20-minutes-of-strength-training-every-morning thing, so I see no reason that this wouldn't work here, too.

In other news, I kept getting bowled over by my inner Cartman this weekend and it's pissing me off. I'm tired of settling for food, honestly. Fucking placebo. If I want time to myself, or attention, or control, or respect, or cuddling, or a neck rub, or a nap, or to have my opinion heard, then dammit, I deserve to get what I want. I shouldn't think so little of myself that I settle for food (particularly since the food in question, every single time, wasn't even of good enough quality to merit a comparison with what I really wanted).

I always find my inner Cartman explaining that I deserve to have these foods. My inner Cartman is a big fat liar-- I deserve better than those foods. I've been settling for a cheap substitute, falling for a bait-and-switch, and out of what? Fear? Laziness? Low self-esteem? This is it, I think, this is the thing at the heart of this stupid eating disorder of mine: being able to diagnose what I really want or need, and being able to act to get those things that will truly satisfy me.

It's dealing with other people that's my downfall, I think. I need to learn basic life skills that my parents-- passive-aggressive types, both of them-- never taught me. How to ask for things. How to stand up for myself. How to respect my own needs, where time and attention are concerned, so that I can likewise respect my needs where nutrition and exercise are concerned. I am not going to be supplied these things automatically, because the first person in charge of me is me and everyone else assumes that I can take care of those things for myself.

I need a plan to learn these things. I gotta think about this.

2 Comments:

  • I can't help with the inner Cartman thing but one major life lesson that I learned from my first husband is that noone is a mind reader. If you do not learn to articulate your wants, needs, hopes, & expectations, then the people in your life will continue to not know them and certainly will not be able to provide you with what you want and need. It's not easy to learn to do this (at least it was not for me). However, I promise you that with practice is gets much easier. You might not get everything you want (still have to compromise sometimes) but you will certainly get it a heck of a lot more often when other people actually know what your wants and needs are.

    By Anonymous Cathy, at 6:26 PM  

  • Going to bed is not hard for me. I get tired and I just go. Last night I was in bed by 8pm! But I'm doing a detox that has me feeling extra tired right now. Good luck with your goals.

    By Blogger ms ralph, at 4:25 PM  

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