I Am That Girl Now

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Mental flossing

I've been on Zoloft for a year now, and I think I want off. Before Zoloft I was careening between getting LOTS AND LOTS accomplished and utter paralysis due to exhaustion and fear, which was a pretty uncomfortable cycle. Once Zoloft kicked in, I just... ceased giving a rat's ass. Which was a huge relief, in so many ways, but the thing is that it's just pervasive and all-encompassing and I cannot give a rat's ass about ANYTHING. I would say that I hate this feeling but that would be an overstatement of the emotional force I can bring to bear on the subject... and really, that's the whole thing in a nutshell. If I can't feel strongly about the idea that I seem to be incapable of feeling strongly, this may be the equivalent of a large flashing sign saying YOU MAY WANT TO CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, YO.

I've got an appointment with my doctor in November, and I'm planning on telling her that I want off the happy pills. I've got a sense that maybe I have enough mental balance now to want to try life without the training wheels, see how my techniques work out. If things start tipping over, then go back to my therapist; if things get bad and therapy isn't helping, then and only then try pills again.

I've got issues I need to deal with, no question. Procrastination, fear of failure, oversensitivity to criticism, perfectionism, all of that. At the risk of sounding like a total internet-age hippie chick, I've got some visualization exercises on my iPod and I'm planning on listening to them on the El, rather than reading (which, much as I love it, is still avoidance and escapism).

Life just feels like it's going on without my input, like when I was a kid and the merry-go-round was spinning a little too fast for me to hop on. Gotta just grab on and risk the fall and the scraped knees. Gotta do something and break out of the comfort zone because it's killing me, bit by bit.

Isn't that what this is all about? Food is comfort, inactivity is comfort, avoidance of change is comfort, but comfort doesn't get me anything. All it does is give me an illusion of contentment without actually being content; I get what comforts me but not what I want. That has to change.


  • well said in that last paragraph, megsterooni. you are always such a wise cookie :)

    By Blogger Shauna, at 5:17 AM  

  • I was on Zoloft when I was younger... I got off it for the same reason. I couldn't feel happy if I wanted to... I couldn't feel sad if I needed to (like, say... when a close family member died!)
    Do what's right for you and your body :)

    By Blogger Amy, at 9:24 PM  

  • Oh Meg! I've so been there. Zoloft was a (literal) lifesaver, but once I worked my butt off in therapy and my world stabilized, it was time to end the meds.

    If I recall, my doc had me wean kinda slowly to give my brain a chance to remember how to do its own serotonin thing.

    Going off the meds was so much like Zach Braff's character's reawakening in Garden State that I bought the movie to remind me how sweet it is to have feelings.

    Hope your un-medicating goes smoothly and you are feeling loads of bliss soon!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:37 PM  

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