I Am That Girl Now

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sick sick sick

It's not just Thanksgiving that's keeping me away. I'm siiiiick.

There really need to be some kind of vaccinations given before people head into large familial situations which include small mobile germ-vectors (a.k.a. nieces and nephews). I know it's not actually feasable, but for pete's sake, I had a small child with a runny nose on my lap on Thanksgiving and now I've been down for the count since Sunday morning with a horrible chest cold. There are forms of plague that don't move that fast. It's astonishing.

The cold is getting better, so instead of having so much stuff in my chest that it hurt to breathe or swallow (Sunday) or being unable to breathe deeply without launching into a fit of deep coughing that would knock me off my feet (Monday), I'm down to being stuffed up, occasionally coughing, and generally feeling like all my limbs are made of lead. An improvement, definitely, but I still don't care much for it.

Feeling fat. The question now is how I want to respond to it; on the one hand, I'm recognizing more and more that the only person whose opinion I really have to give a rat's ass about is my Hub, and he's convinced that I'm a hottie no matter what poundage I have. On the other hand, for the sake of my own health and the ability to fit into my pants I clearly need to get moving on this, rather than continuing to drift along in the same neither-here-nor-there state.

Really, the crux of the matter is what it is for so much of the rest of my life: I need to figure out how to motivate myself without using fear or shame or self-hate as a goad. I don't want to go back into wandering around without motivation, and yet that seems to be where I am right now.

I'm trying to figure this out. I think that possibly there's a learned avoidance factor here, that I'm avoiding it because the process of going into weight-loss mode is so tied to shame and self-loathing. I'm kind of hoping that if I take away the negative parts, and try to focus on the positive angles, that motivation will slowly grow. Positive motivation, not the bad kind.

Anyway, I'm kind of fried. Medicine-head. Gotta go.

2 Comments:

  • Hope you feel better soon! I wrote a post similar to yours today but I'm probably in the early phases of my illness. Hopefully with lots of sleeps and drugs, I'll be able to fend it off.

    By Blogger Rebecca, at 2:44 PM  

  • "I need to figure out how to motivate myself without using fear or shame or self-hate as a goad"

    awsome line - and so true. I think that's the #1 reason I get to a certain weight and then gain it all back again... Finding 'healthy' motivation has GOT to be the key!

    I hope you're feeling better soon.

    By Blogger PartTimeMom, at 1:10 PM  

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