I Am That Girl Now

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I get to meet DietGirl and you don't! NEENER!

Just got off the phone with the brilliant DG, who sounds positively adorable. Plans for tonight include touring Millennium Park and then hitting Boystown to discover margaritas the size of our heads; not generally a bright idea for mid-week when one is planning on working the next day, but what the hell, how often does DG show up in Chicago? Every day? I THINK NOT. Special occasion, then. Huzzah!

I am so bouncy and delighted that I'm having a difficult time getting anything done today. FIVE MORE HOURS and I get to meet DG! There is always the possibility that we may hate each other on sight, but I suspect this will not happen. My Hub is going to meet her, too, in order to insure that there are no axes or chain-saws about her person, and the evening will end either with a) watching fireworks or b) watching pre-recorded, downloaded television, depending on how many margaritas I consume. Considering my alcohol tolerance of late, I'd say... one should do it.

SO EXCITED. EEEEEEEEE.

OH FUCK I FORGOT TO BRING THE CAMERA. FUCK OH FUCK. Hrm. Possibly the evening will include a run home to Casa de Veres to find the camera and introduce DG to our two cats.

EDIT: It turns out that my Hub has remembered the camera. A king among men, he is.

I have two more doses of Zoloft before being DONE. I'm actually pretty calm about this, because meditation and working to restrain my rampaging toxic perfectionism has kept me calmer the past few months than Zoloft has done anytime after the first six months I was on it.

I now own Too Perfect: When Being In Control Gets Out of Control, and my advice to you, dear readers, if you are anything like me, is to find this book as soon as possible. Alternately, if you know perfectionist people (and I know more of those than of the normal sort), there is also a guide inside for how to deal with them (us). I am very tempted to get a copy for my parents, BOTH OF WHOM exhibit these qualities, only in very different ways. (Dad: crazed perfectionist overachiever. Mom: has such high standards for doing things that often she either does things over-obsessively, or is too exhausted by the concept of such a huge undertaking that she can't do it at all.) I came by this honestly, I guess.

The author gives some instruction in how to overcome these tendencies, but also stresses that the most important thing is to learn to recognize them in yourself, and to be aware of what's going on, and to remember, when things come up, that this way of viewing the world is optional. Very good stuff. Very useful. And, seriously, I can't believe how much stuff in my life that I thought was unique to me actually fits in with this mentality-- balking and dragging my feet at the barest hint that I "have to" do something, freezing in place and procrastinating because tasks seem so big, being incapable of telling what is an important task and what isn't because it seems like they ALL need to get done, being exhausted just by all the stuff in my head when I'm really not getting all that much done... all these things are typical. All of them. I can't get over that. Finally, FINALLY, there's an answer to what the hell is wrong with me, it's understandable, it's fixable, and I don't need medication or brain surgery or years of therapy. It's a huge relief.

So, right now I'm working on that, and keeping up on the meditation, which goes very well hand-in-hand with it. My brand of mental wigginess tends to put me more inside my head than in the current moment, at any given time, so training myself to a) recognize that I've sunk back into my head and am running in little circles, and b) get out of my head and back into the current moment, is a hugely important thing.

Just as important is remembering not to use the words "I have to" or "I should" about something unless I really do, and to use the words "I want" about stuff that I do, in fact, want. Part of using "I should" for everything is that it turns everything into a chore, even the stuff that is exciting and great fun, like games and visitors and going out. Which also means that I lose touch with the sensation of what it's like to want something, which means that I can't tell what I want. Which is just not good.

Shoulder still sucks. I'm babying it. No yoga, no upper-body lifting. I went through a few weeks of sporadic gym attendance but am back to a regular schedule now, just getting on the elliptical machine. I want to get back to doing lower-body lifting again, along with the elliptical, but we shall see.

Funny thing: I used a different elliptical machine last night, due to the fact that the INSANELY LOUD MUSIC was going on in the aerobics class area again. (I now bring earplugs as a matter of course. Just in case.) This one has the heart-rate monitor thingies on the moving handles, not on the stationary ones, so it has a feature where it automatically adjusts to keep you in your target heart rate zone. I vaguely assumed that this meant that I hadn't been working hard enough and that this would keep my ass kicked, but no, turns out... exact opposite. Had been working too hard, and it kept alerting me to calm the hell down.

Seriously, the thing that I wish I'd known a long time ago (and which I wish I could remember all the time) is that I make these things out to be harder than they are, because I think I have to overachieve, when in fact I just have to do an enjoyable amount to see health benefits. I don't have to kill myself on these machines and end up dreading going back. I can do a smaller amount and want to go back.

I think I'm slowly getting back into a mental zone where I'm ready to start up some stuff again, if I can keep it in the "want to" rather than "have to" headspace. We'll see. I'm still new to this "want to" thing, so I still have to figure out what I want.


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2 Comments:

  • Thanks for the book suggestion. I'm bogged down with my perfectionism and can't seem to get anything done.

    By Anonymous Morphidae, at 12:08 PM  

  • I do too get to meet DietGirl! I just have to wait until Friday and I'm not sure if there will be margaritas the size of our heads. Maybe they will only be the size of our fists.

    By Blogger PastaQueen, at 2:45 PM  

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